What to do in hard times

The greatest factor in positive well-being is connection and meaningful relationships.

When people go through hard times, they need other people. Meal trains, cards, flowers, prayers, donations in their honor...yes, all lovely and wonderful acts of kindness and solidarity. But do not neglect to be present--physically, emotionally, and mentally present for and with those who are suffering.

This is hard to show up when you don't know what to say. You don't want to mess up or make it worse somehow. You panic when you see them at the grocery store. You don't want to say the wrong thing and you don't want to use the often-touted cliches:

"God doesn't give us more than we can handle." (I can tell you from personal experience this is not true and it puts the person suffering into a state of shame if they're not "coping well")

"I can't imagine..." (you probably can, but it feels too painful or psychologically dangerous to go there)

"At least..." (any phrase that starts with "at least" should be banned immediately)

Many (most) people shy away from being near the people closest to the Hard Thing. Be willing to brave it.

"Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow."

Be brave enough to show up to halve the sorrow. There's nothing you can do to fix it. There's nothing you can do to make the pain stop. But what you can do is be there, in the dark, and offer your hand and your heart.

You can say:

"This sucks."

"I'm here."

"I'd like to do XYZ for you...would that be helpful?"

"I love you."

"I'll keep being here."

Write down important dates in your calendar (upcoming surgeries, death-aversaries, the birthday of their loved one). Put sticky notes on your bathroom mirror to remind you to check in with them when the dust has settled. Show up and fold laundry.

When you feel those uncomfy feelings welling up in yourself, be brave enough to feel them without running away. This is how we show up for each other. This is how we get through Hard Things. We're braver together. Stronger together. Softer together.